(Angling)
I can but stare in startled surmise,
With disbelief hanging precariously from these
Stoic peepholes,
At the Surreal; so real and tangible,
Bathed in a shroud so sanctimoniously incandescent
You must be the summability of
Saviours sent from a surrogate heaven,
To weave
A prophetic renunciation,
Of this disillusioned perspective
The tranquillity of your presence
Alleviates this convolution
So vile;
And despite my inhibitions,
It gives this pariah life
Your candid radiance pervades past
This rough exterior
And elevates my soul,
It caresses this body,
It helps me ascend this whole
In this wakeful digression,
From the reiterative inadequacies,
I can only conclude
That such an endeavour of creation,
Must be by divinity blessed
————————————————————————————
Hitesh Talwar happens to be the alternate-ego of 29A, an 18-year-old recently released from the clutches of high school (which happened to be St. James’ School, Calcutta); currently stuck somewhere between a rock and a hard place.
I’m reminded of ‘Creep’ by radiohead. đŸ™‚
I like this- very intense and articulate.
I do, however, think you should make the vocab a tad simpler- often simple words are best when trying to present raw, intense, or even in some cases complex ideas.
Work just a TINY bit on the structure too- it would make the meaning clearer. There were a couple of lines there that would have been lightly clearer via the addition of a line break or comma.
VERY nice though. Much applause.
Thank you.
I’ve been told about the vocab. Working on it.
I would agree about the comment on the vocab.
I really like the idea behind this piece, but it gets lost in the swirl of grandiose nouns and adjectives.
Poetry should communicate first, and then stun. Yours is still in the reverse order. But, yes, wow.
Thank you for your kind words and advice.
Perhaps if I were to say that this is always how poetry comes out when I sit down to write it, then maybe it would be a partially sufficient alibi.
However, I continue to work on making my work a tad more communicable.
In case anybody desires to read more along the lines of the above, they should visit
http://damnationinaday.blogspot.com/